It's been quite a while

It's been quite a while since my last blog post. I sometimes think about writing and then I get to thinking about what to write, and then more thinking and no writing. My last post was in early February, I was waiting for a chapter to end. On March 25th as the sun set, my hero and only son passed away. That moment was indeed the end of a chapter, and a great book. I don't think I will ever be able to write that book, but I hope to share how much that time, especially the last few years, have reshaped my life. I can tell you this, that watching him suffer, as he faded away, rocked my understanding of life right to the very foundations.

For the first time ever I encountered the dark night of the soul. I experienced depression caused by cognitive dissonance at the deepest level. Cognitive dissonance is the result of two contradicting beliefs, usually one is an established belief, and considered to be truth, and the second is discovered, thereby challenging the first. Most of the time our brains simply dismiss the second discovery as not being possible because of it's contradiction with the established truth. However, if the new discover is compelling enough then our mind must struggle to determine which is true. It is this struggle, the dissonance of competing truths, that can make us feel sick. There are many examples of mental dissonance, some are small and hardly noticeable, others rock our boat. The most potent example I can think of is when a friend is accused of murder, our first response is denial, and then we feel it in our guts.

Our minds have a process for collecting, comparing, and verifying information. Everyday, and thanks to technology more than ever before, our minds are bombarded with information. We can't give conscious consideration to everything that our senses experience. Most of the sorting happens at a subconscious level, many times a second our brains collect, compare, verify, over and over and over. In that shuffle if something comes up as new idea, then our mind searches for supporting evidence. If something comes up as being in conflict with an existing verified truth, then the mind denies and dismisses the conflicting information labelling it FALSE. When our minds are young and flexible these moments are no big deal. However by our middle or late middle years, we are so heavily invested in our truths that these moments of conflict are like a fire alarm.

The real problem happens when we discover recurring evidence against a foundational truth. The question then becomes, what if my foundational truth isn't actually true? Well, the truth is that many things we hold as true, are only true, as Forrest Gump would say, "Cuz that's what my Mama told me." We can't dismiss the significance of the trusted figure bias.

This explains how pathological liars function, they simply install their own lie in the truth slot. Then they go on to establish new evidence based on the lie and so on and so on. It also explains how we put up with slavery, and racism, and sexism, and, and, and. Furthermore, it certainly helps us understand why there are so many religions. We believe and then declare the truth.

Thankfully there is another brain function which provides balance, unfortunately it has been shunned for a long long time. The function I'm referring to is discernment. It's a kind of the double check mechanism, but it only operates on the conscious side of the mind. We have to exercise it.  So while our subconscious is happily stamping true on thousands of pieces of throughput, we have to be consciously running quality control. We have to constantly be critiquing our own database.

My point here is that when we hit a bump on the road of life, and the doubt light goes on, it's not a bad thing.

ya know?

Have you ever heard people say things like: You know better than that. Or, I know, hang on, argh! I know that I know the answer. Or, I just know, don’t ask me how, I just do. Or, I know what you’re thinking. Or, I know, cuz I read it on Wikipedia. Or, I know, cuz it’s in the Bible.

Knowledge is a very mushy subject, as in grey mushy between the ears, but so is perception, and imagining, and dreaming, and insanity. What do we know, and what do we think we know? How does what we don’t know impact what we think we know? Furthermore, how much do we have to know, to say we know? I know how to play a piano—a little—ok a few bars of Mary had a little lamb. Mike Janzen KNOWS piano, but ask him if he knows all there is to know.

Epistemology (the study or a theory of the nature and grounds of knowledge especially with reference to its limits and validity) is primarily concerned with propositional knowledge (A statement or assertion that expresses a judgment or opinion). The discussion requires many terms, I want to focus on two of them, justification and foundation. Every idea, notion, thought that we hold as knowable, must lean on or be founded on some truth. Like a child’s wooden building blocks, the top block is only as steady, or reliable as any of the blocks supporting it. Often when asked how we justify a point of view, a belief, we point to something else as backup. That usually works, until someone drills down asking, how do you know that? When this happens we often don’t know, “I just know” is our only answer. We always articulate the foundations of our own knowledge, or we’ve held that point of view for so long that it was evolved to the point of being unchallenged, and therefore most likely true. When we do discover a faulty block, we often defend it, or we justify it by introducing a new supporting truth. If we feel threatened, we often play a trump card, one that can’t be challenged. The ultimate trump card is “The Word of God.” To say that your foundation is the Bible, the inerrant word of God, certainly puts a stop to the drilling. It is a great repellant to critical thinking, but it may inadvertently retard healthy growth.

My conclusion? Most of what I think I know is really just belief. Most of what I know, has been shared with me, through people I’ve been told are reliable. I’ve been told. Some of what I was told to believe, and to treat like knowledge, was founded on “The Word of God.” Then I met other people who told me different things that were based on “The Word of God”. Then I was told they were heretics.

We have all come to appreciate the power and authority of knowledge. How do I know? I just know. It’s a trump card. You think you saw a man in a blue jacket? I know it was red. TRUMP. I know. The truth is we don’t know as much as we think we know, and we have no idea what impact what we don’t know might have on what we think we know. We all need to be a little more humble and just say it like it is, “I believe” and then be brave and open minded enough to say, “tell me what you believe.”

...about community

I've been thinking about belonging, for most of the past decade. We all need it, deeply. The most highly sought after form is belonging by invitation. To be chosen, rocks. To be chosen means we've been seen, recognized, and valued. However, to be first pick, first draft, captain, or valedictorian, has much greater value than to be in the middle of the pack, where your value may be that you are less of a liability than the next pick. Like those players that sports teams pick up, for the sole purpose of padding a future trade deal. In the middle you are just a space holder, and that won't fill your longing to belong.

Most of us don't get picked first, that's just a numerical reality. In fact, most of us don't get picked as much as we strategically position ourselves, even transform or conform, to the values of the community we hope to belong to. In effect, we hide our flaws and present our strengths. We lie. How many of us, when asked at a job interview about our collaborative skills, would say, " Well, actually I'm very creative, and make great use of critical thinking and deconstruction. Some call me recalcitrant, but it's all with a view to developing a better widget." Not likely, so we bend.

What we truly long for, and I believe this is universal, is belonging because we are valued, warts and all. We need to be seen, discovered, and embraced, or even better, engaged. This takes time, but few opportunities to belong are structured to listen carefully to those on the margins. Most communities operate on the basis of compliance, and conformity. You must observe the ways, demonstrate behavioural compliance, and then you can belong, although it will feel more like being passively accepted or even tolerated.

The whole idea of conforming to a norm in order to fit, is all about preserving the idea as defined by the founders. The fear of morphing into something else is the great concern. The problem is that the norm becomes the average, or the median of the interpretation of the original idea. Even when carefully protected by constitution and doctrine, the original is compromised. Normal is the space between a carefully filtered group of uniquely designed individuals. Normal does not exist, except as a way of generally defining a range or spectrum of acceptable expression. Normal is limited.

My conclusion is that churches, and even para-church organizations, are not qualified to call themselves communities–at least not organically. They are by biblical definition, a group of one accord, and that accord is often in the form of a creed, or at least a list of core values. Too often, churches are defined by a tried and (declared) true theological construct that is included in the "conform to these" list. Sadly, some even require that you leave all of your uniqueness at the door, believing there is nothing good within. This sure doesn't meet the need to be seen, discovered, valued and embraced.

If you haven't picked up on what I think community is, let me lay it out for you. Community is everyone with in the sound of your voice, that hears your voice, listens to your words, discovers the real you, and embraces that real you. The "Good News" is when you do that to others. 

^{Matthew 22:37-39}
Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’


In my next blog I will wonder about knowledge.

Why they called it the Peacemaker.

The Colt 45, first went into use in 1873, and later became known as the Peacemaker. It was the colt 45 that Col. G. A. Custer used to make peace at Little Big Horn, but I think it was probably guys like Wyatt Earp, the U.S. Marshall who gave the gun it's legendary name.

These guns were the best thing going from 1873 right through the turn of the century, and remained in production right up until WW2. In 1911 Colt introduced a new 45 designed by John Browning, it was automatic, and the ammunition was stored in a magazine in the grip. It was this design that rendered the revolver obsolete. However, following the war, and driven by Hollywood western films Colt brought the peacemaker back into production in 1956.

What's my point, that the side arm, as a peacemaker, is the stuff of legend in American culture. For some it is more American than apple pie, but most of what we know about the wild west is the product of creative writing.

The problem I have with calling a handgun, a peacemaker, is that guns don't make peace–ever. Guns simply shut down one side of the conflict. Peace without reconciliation isn't peace. Peace is more than the absence of conflict, rather it is the resolution of conflict.

If we are truly going to change the kind of deadly violence that visits schools, we will have to get past the idea that we can kill evil. We can't kill evil because evil doesn't really exist. Evil is simply the absence of good, just like darkness is the absence of light, and cold, the absence of heat, and hate the absence of love. We've been trying to kill the bad guy since well before the wild west, and it's not working.

So while we argue about whether guns kill people, or people kill people, let's consider this, guns don't make peace, people make peace.

Blessed be the peacemakers.

bout bleevin

I think that sharing the good news of the Kingdom of God with people involves inviting them in, involving them in an experiential process. The kind of experiences I’m talking about are so compelling that they change behavior and form new beliefs. This is salvation, it’s messy and in some cases prolonged. I would even suggest that it isn’t individual, it's communal. If we really practice loving community, there would be a collective salvation experience. 

Consider these three different styles of teaching: you can tell someone about something, you can demonstrate the idea, or you can involve them, even immerse them in the idea. To believe, as I understand it, is having so much confidence in knowing something, that it changes your behavior. So what does it take to gain that level of confidence. I don’t think there are very many people who have thrown themselves into a body of water, having read about swimming. As wonderful as words are I don’t think they are enough to create belief.

In most cases Jesus simply invited people to follow him. Was he suggesting that if you hang around, you will begin to see the truth lived out, and it may be easier to believe having seen it demonstrated?

Names

My good friend Sandra Ryan asserts that names are sacred, and not to be messed with. Nicknames, especially ones that denigrate, are so not cool with her. I stood with her, fighting poverty, the kind of poverty that sucks the dignity right out of a persons soul. So when they came in off the street and said their name was Bubs or DumbDumb, she'd just say, "No, your real name." I learned so much from her about the importance of names. Our names are given to us at birth, our nicknames are laid over our names, hiding our true identity, making us fake.

My birth name, as you know, is Wayne, which comes from the trade name Wainwright, or wagon wheel maker. I don't think my parents knew that, they just liked the name. It's interesting though, it harkens back to the middle ages when peoples names were connected to what they did or where they were from (which makes my wonder about my family name). 

Where am I going with this? I agree that names are sacred, and shouldn't be messed with, except when enhanced or honoured with a tagline or title. Sandra also called me Renovator, and she meant it in the broadest sense. She saw my character as one that renovates, revives, restores, brings new vigour. That was helpful then and it continues to guide me now. 

Someone else I worked with called me recalcitrant–oww! That one hurt. I've since learned where that came from. As a renovator, the very first thing you do is start poking at what is, to discover what's hidden, to get to the barebones. Before I understood my character as Renovator, I was poking things that didn't belong to me, or things that I hadn't been invited to renovate. Renovating without contract is destructive, rather than reconstructive. 

Today I hope that I am a true renovator, one who takes great care in the deconstruction process, and even greater care in the renovating so as to discover and reveal not only the original design but the renewed potential. 

My most important renovation project is myself. I am renovating my soul, deconstructing faith and cultural values that were poured into me, removing the decay, and restoring what God imagined me to be. For guidance, I go to the Original Designer.

My next posts will be some of my deconstructive musings, stay tuned.

Whatif

I'ze jus wonderin whatif I posted my random brain clutter. Sometimes I tweet as "whatifwayne, but Twitter is limited to 140 characters, good for whatifs but not so good for wondering. I Face too, but that's a, "hi how are ya" medium, and not really suited to musing. Then there's Linkedin, Pinterest and Instagram, each with their special purpose. I've decided to turn to Blogger to do just that, blog.

For starters I'm going to pull up some old bits n pieces of writing about things I still wonder about, and I'll mix in a few new musings. Driven by a curious mix of cynicism and hope, I'm always wondering about possibility.

Hang out with me, just outside the box, and we can kick some ideas around.